Investigating is a Ben-Hassrath's Job
by FromTheDepthsOfInsanity
Summary: Bull is coerced into investigating for the Inquisition's cook.


**Warnings:** Cullen Rutherford-x-Female Trevelyan, Post-Main Game, Pre-Exalted Council, Directly Before Trespasser, Character Interaction, No Plot, Friendship, Thievery, Unedited  
 **Summary:** Bull is coerced into investigating for the Inquisition's cook.  
 **Disclaimer:** Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age II, and Dragon Age: Inquisition are all property of Bioware and EA games. I make no profit off this work of fiction.

 **INVESTIGATING IS A BEN-HASSRATH'S JOB  
** **THE IRON BULL AND EVELYN TREVELYAN  
** **ONE-SHOT  
TREVELYAN SERIES**

* * *

"You there!"

Bull sincerely hoped she wasn't yelling for him.

"Hey! You there! _Qunari_!"

So much for hoping.

Begrudgingly, he turned and looked down at the stern-faced cook stomping toward him. The woman was a terror on two legs; anyone that could avoid her, did. Bull was included in the very many. Though, it didn't seem like he could skitter out from under her gaze this time. Hopefully, whatever she came to yell about was quick and he could rejoin the Chargers in the tavern unscathed.

"You take jobs, yeah? I need to hire you!"

Well, that was unexpected.

"The Chargers don't come cheap, ma'am."

"I don't want the whole gaggle of you!" She spat, "Just you, Qunari!"

" _I_ don't come cheap either."

She ignored him, "Someone has been taking ingredients from my stores. Flour, sugar, eggs, all low! I've checked all of my charges and know they aren't the ones responsible, and I am not being shorted on my shipments either. Find out who is stealing from my stores!"

"Like I said, I don't come cheap."

"I heard you like those spiced nuts the tavern serves."

"Yes?"

"My recipe," She said simply, without pride, "Do what I want, and I will make batches just for you whenever you like. Deal?"

He wanted to shoo her away, but he couldn't stop himself from asking, "Did you tell Red about this?"

"Red?" She curled her lips in distaste.

"The spymaster," Bull clarified.

"Sister Nightingale," She stopped and righted herself, "Divine Victoria, or rather that squirrelly rogue she sent in her stead, _assured_ me that there were no odd comings and goings in my larder," The cook scoffed and folded her arms, "As if she takes stock of what's there and what's not! She'd be singing a different tune if it was enough loss to cripple the flow of food for her agents or the Commander's forces. Just because it's small doesn't make it any less a problem! That's why I need you, Qunari. You investigate, so investigate!"

Bull stared at her longer than what would be considered polite, and she began to boil like a shallow pot of water over an open flame. Finally, her lid popped off.

"Well?!" She yipped, "What say you?! Have we a deal?"

"I take payments up front."

She scoffed and frothed, "A small batch then!"

"And a round for my boys tonight."

Her lip curled again, but she nodded, "Very well, you bleeder. You'll have your first batch and a round for your misfits tonight, but I want results! Nothing less than the thief whipped and humiliated!"

.::||~||::.

Whipped and humiliated, indeed. Bull suspected the old bat was counting her stocks wrong. For two weeks, he tried every trick in the book to catch this supposed thief. He'd caught four rats, nine nugs, five squirrels, and a mabari with her litter of thirteen puppies, but no food bandit. What was worse was she had the nerve to report to him every three days about how here-and-there items were still turning up missing.

He had asked Sera, and she had said she had no use for 'all that whatever' he was talking about. Somehow, he was inclined to believe her for once. Sera was the type to use what she got right then and there; she didn't plan for the long con.

Her answer then led him to Cole, who, in typical Cole fashion, gave him the runaround. All he remembered of the encounter was that it was poetic, frustrating, and not at all what he wanted to hear. Tama had nothing to do with what was going on in that damn cook's kitchen. Regardless, Cole was not the culprit either.

Even still, Bull found himself once again stalking toward the kitchens and larder hoping to catch a thief. Like every night before, there was hardly any noise apart from the muffled shift of guards walking their routes and the scurry of nighttime creatures darting about in the shadows.

He easily took the steps from the near the stables two at a time, pushed open the door, and was surprised by the flickering flame resting in the hearth. Every time before the kitchens had been completely dark, the way he prefered; to find it completely alight, to actually stumble onto the crime scene in progress, was both relieving and irritating. He expected something a little more dramatic and exciting.

Bull quietly slipped into the room and shut the door with nary a squeak. A figure moved about the far end, completely oblivious to his presence, and finally moved to the oven. A metal sheet was slipped in, the intruder hopped up onto the table to sit, and brought an over-sized spoon to its lips. Feet swung in the air, making the shadows nearest Bull dance and hop. Still, he was unnoticed.

Until he moved forward.

He didn't think he had made any noise, but apparently he was wrong. Wide, amber eyes snapped to him with such readiness it was almost unnatural. They stared at him much like an animal wary, unsure of the friendliness of the new presence.

"Boss?" He inquired.

She took a moment to answer him, maybe hoping he would forget she was there, "Yeah?"

Bull bit his lip to hold down his growing smirk, "What are you doing?"

Again, she waited a few seconds longer than she needed, "Bakin' a cake."

"A cake?" His seams were fraying a bit. The bubble of laughter was not going to be contained for much longer.

"And eating the extra batter," She added in a small voice.

They stared at each other. Bull was trying to decide how to proceed; she was bracing herself for the onslaught that would never come. Bull wasn't about to berate her for putting him through the annoyance that was The Cook, nor was he in any position to tell her she shouldn't squander her own supplies. In all honesty, he found it exceedingly hilarious and completely lost his fight. Laughter exploded from him and earned him a deep, sincere frown of guilt.

"Please don't tattle on me, Bull."

She sounded like a child scolded, and despite himself, he laughed a little harder, forced himself to settle, and bit his lip again to reel himself in fully. Bull softened and moved toward her, close enough to clap her on the back.

"You have my silence, Boss."

To this, she relaxed, smiled brightly, and held up the spoon to him.

"I know you wanna lick it."

An eyebrow raised up, the words danced just behind his lips, and gave her a lecherous smile full of teeth, to which she responded with a hearty laugh.

"Whoops! Phrasing!"

"Phrasing indeed," He agreed and took it from her. He mulled the flavors of the batter about on his tongue as he sampled, "What is this?"

"Chocolate. I've been craving it for a few days, but it's so expensive and hard to get a hold of."

"It's different though."

"Yeah. Added cinnamon, not quite as hard to get a hold of and it reminds me of my nanny's baking. She used cinnamon in everything."

"Homesick, Boss?"

"Sometimes, but I've been the vomity kind of sick lately," He gave her a concerned frown, but she waved him off, "Don't worry about it. A bug is going around the barracks. Cullen got a spot of it and decided to share. I'm fine, I promise."

A large hand came down on the top of her head and smoothed back the tame waves of dark curls underneath. She felt like a petted cat, but didn't see the appeal of being stroked as such. Evelyn shook her head to deter him.

"Come on, Bull. Don't be such a mother hen. I'll have to tell Krem and then where would you be?"

"In the same position I always find myself in."

"Bound and gagged with a leather wearing Chantry sister standing over you?"

Bull smirked at the thought, "I like your imagination, but no. Someone has to baby you people," He pinched her cheek lightly. To which, she pulled out of his hold.

"Should I start calling you Mama Bull then? How about the Iron Mama?" She giggled, "That'd be a good stage name."

He nodded slightly in consideration, "Not bad. Wish I thought of that when I was picking my name."

She laughed, letting the sound ring and echo off the bricks, "Striking fear into the hearts of his enemies, The Iron Mama!"

Both shared their laughs as they finished up the extra batter and waited for the cake to finish. When Evelyn took the cake from the oven and doused the fire, Bull sighed. Amber eyes glinted at him through the darkness and flared with the lighting of a candle.

"Looks like I've lost my reward. Can't exactly turn you over to that banshee to be, uhh," Bull smirked, "Whipped and humiliated."

"Whipped and humiliated, huh?"

"Might have to run that by Cullen."

"Only if you want to see him as red as a cherry and babbling uncontrollably," She stopped and giggled, "You know what? Tell him. It'll be really funny."

"You're a sick woman, Boss. Teasing such a delicate man like that. How do you sleep at night?"

"Usually butt-naked next to the commander of my army and very well at that."

Bull laughed again. He supposed this was reward enough.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I was baking a cake for a friend's kid a few weeks back and made too much batter, so I ate the rest of it whilst making yet another Dragon Age character. Thus, here we are.

To give anyone who cares a time reference, I planned this on being about two weeks before the Exalted Council and obviously before "Wish I Was There." Evelyn is still none-the-wiser concerning her delicate condition. On that note, I'm not sure how many more pregnancy/family/friendship-related oneshots I'm going to be doing, but I do have one or two more planned. Since on Fanfiction there isn't an option to make stories into a series (that I'm aware of), I'll be sure to put some sort of indicator that my Dragon Age fics are connected in some way. Also, if there's something you want to see pertaining to this timeline, let me know and I will consider doing something!

Please tell me what you think!


End file.
